The Wicked Witch of Wolf Pack Island
by cyberimp6
Summary: Entry for Beloved Enemy's 100 nights of summer challenge. Specifically, 48  You Want Me to Wear What!


Disclaimer: Characters from "Slayers" are Copyright Hajime Kanzaka, Tommy Ohtsuka, and Rui Araizumi. Modified excerpts from "The Wizard of Oz" and "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" are included under the Fair Use provision. This work is a parody and not to be used for any commercial purposes.

Spoiler Alert: This story takes place after the events of Slayers Evolution-R, and there are one or two spoilers from that series.

**The Wicked Witch of Wolf Pack Island**

or

**You Want Me To Wear *What*?**

Even when you're the most powerful Mazoku, and possibly the most powerful being, remaining in your plane of existence, you're liable to have the occasional bad day. Zelas Metallium knew she was about to have such a day when she saw the Earth Dragon King Rangort waiting for her in the town square, next to the humans she had come to talk to.

"I give you greetings, Greater Beast," the Dragon King spoke. He didn't specify whether they were friendly greetings.

"Greetings to you also, Earthlord." Zelas couldn't quite keep the displeasure out of her voice. "But I am here to speak to the humans of this town."

"And I am here to remind you that the town is protected under the Koma war agreement." Rangort replied.

"I haven't forgotten." Zelas said, and turned to the small group of humans. "But I also clearly remember that the forest to the south of here is not protected. My beasts are free to roam there."

"Who's stopping them?" inquired a woman with black hair, dressed in what was clearly a huntress outfit. She had a large dog by her side, and Zelas noted that she had put on make-up and flashy earrings for the occasion.

"Whoever rigged that house in the middle of the forest to collapse on my manticore." Zelas answered with some heat. "Was it you?"

"I'm sure it was an accident," said the woman. It was obviously a lie, and just as obvious that the woman didn't care whether Zelas knew it.

"Well, my pretty," Zelas gave her a withering glare, "I can cause accidents too. And perhaps you'd care to tell me what happened to my manticore's poison stinger and teeth?"

"Beats me," answered the woman. "You won't find them in this town."

"But I'll find the profits from selling them all around town, I'm sure!" Zelas shot back, and saw the other humans shift in embarrassment. "And the gains from other beasts of mine. Well, it ends now!"

"Accidents happen." the woman replied. "You can't hold everyone responsible if you didn't see anyone do anything."

"You tell her, Arleta!" said one of the men, and there was a murmur of support from the rest.

"Watch me." Zelas grated. "A price will be paid for my manticore."

"The humans are right, Lady Metallium." Rangort interposed. "Neither you or your minions may attack this town, or anyone in it."

Zelas turned to the dragon lord. "You stay out of this, Rangort, or I'll fix you as well!"

"Ho, ho! Rubbish!" Rangort waved his hand dismissively. "You have no power here. Begone - before somebody drops a house on you!"

Smoke and sparks belched out of Zelas's ears. (She'd always considered that one of her best effects.) "Very well - I'll bide my time. And as for you, my pretty," she turned to the huntress, "it's true that I can't attend to you here and now as I'd like, but..."

And at that point she realized that the speech she had been planning wouldn't quite work. She couldn't tell the woman to stay out of her way, since technically she hadn't been in the way. And her dog looked like it had some wolf ancestry, so Zelas couldn't bring herself to threaten it.

". . . but I'll think of something!" Zelas finished. With a puff of flame, she changed into her winged-wolf form, and took to the air. "Nya ha ha ha ha!" she cackled as she flew away.

"Lame villainess laugh!" Arleta jeered, and several hoots of laughter from the others followed.

A really bad day.

* * *

When you're both the priest and the general to the most powerful remaining Mazoku, and your boss has a bad day, you're liable to have a bad day. Xellos would have figured this out even without the banner in the throne room reading 'If Zelas ain't happy, ain't_ nobody _happy.' And from the mushroom clouds rising over several of the unpopulated corners of Wolf Pack Island, Zelas had clearly had a bad day. But when your mistress and creator summons you, and there's no doctor handy to write you an excuse, you go.

"I take it, my Queen," Xellos began as delicately as he could, "that the humans did not agree to stop trapping your beasts?"

"The vermin are hiding behind the Koma agreement!" Zelas thundered. "And today of all days the Earthlord comes out of whatever rock he's been hiding under!"

"Would you like me to quietly promote a civil war?" Xellos suggested.

"Hmm . . " Zelas considered. "No. It must be clear that the punishment comes from me. Do you know, they even dared to insult my villainess laugh? I'll show them . . . wait . . ."

_And then - the Greater Beast got an idea! An awful idea! __The Greater Beast got a terrible, awful idea!_

"Uh, my Queen," Xellos said nervously, "why are your eyes glowing red, and why is your hair forming into horns?"

"Never mind." Zelas gestured, and a scroll by the side of her throne floated up, and a quill began rapidly writing something on it. "Just fetch these." The scroll floated over to Xellos.

Xellos read what had been written. "All of them?" His mistress nodded. Xellos bowed and left to collect what was necessary for his assignment. A shield spell against positive emotions. And earplugs.

* * *

There were qualities about Xellos that certain people did not like. (Actually, certain people hated him like poison.) But no one denied that he was extremely competent at what he did, not to mention a walking encyclopedia of matters magical. It was only a few hours later that he arrived back at Wolf Pack Island with the crate that was the last of the items Zelas had commanded. The day's unpleasantness was not over, though.

Zelas was in her human form, dressed in black robes, and pouring ingredients into an unusually large cauldron. In fact, it looked a great deal like one of those bathtub things the richer humans used. "You have the tangerines, Xellos?"

"As you ordered." Xellos opened the crate, and emptied it into the cauldron. A peal of laughter could be heard as he did so.

Zelas sniffed the aroma rising from the cauldron, and found it satisfactory. "Excellent. Remove one of the clones from its crystal."

'Which one?" Xellos inquired.

"All ten are identical, aren't they?" Zelas acknowledged. She looked down into the crystals in which Xellos had encased the ten sleeping females. "That old alchemist did remarkably good work, but I wonder how he got ten perfectly matching outfits? Never mind - which one was about to be burned at the stake for laughing?"

"This one." Xellos pointed to the third one from the left.

"Let's consider her lucky."

Xellos gestured, and the crystal cracked and then dissolved into nothingness. "My Queen," he said uncertainly, "couldn't we use a Hellmaster's Jar for this? The incantation is so distasteful."

"It's not my favorite spell either, my Xellos." Zelas sighed. "But I don't want this process to depend on anything breakable. Take the feet."

Xellos took hold of the two ankles, and prepared to lift. Zelas gripped the shoulders, and together they moved the unconscious body over the tub.

"Ah-one and ah-two," Zelas began, and suiting actions to words, they started the spell.

"You put your whole self in,  
You take your whole self out,  
You put your whole self in,  
And you shake it all about.  
You do the Hokey Pokey  
And you turn yourself around,  
That's what it's all about!"

The woman's eyes opened. She stood up in the tub, the potion streaming off her skin and the small amount of clothing she was wearing. "OH HO HO HO HO!"

* * *

Hundreds of leagues away, Amelia and Lina woke up together with a gasp.

"Nightmare . . . it couldn't really be . . . that was long ago," they said simultaneously.

And without looking at each other, they turned over and tried very hard to go back to sleep.

* * *

"Welcome, Naga the White Serpent!" Xellos gave a polite bow. "I am Xellos, the mysterious priest. May I introduce Lady Metallium, the head of my church." He gestured towards his mistress.

"Also known as the Greater Beast." Naga smiled. "A pleasure to meet you, Lady Metallium." She gave the bow of royalty to royalty, showing no apparent anxiety about being in the presence of a Mazoku lord. Xellos wondered if it was genuine courage or simple insanity.

"Likewise." Zelas had expected a sorceress to sense she was in the presence of Mazoku, but she had to give Naga credit for realizing the situation so quickly. She decided on the direct approach. "Miss Naga, I wondered if I could ask a favor of you. A certain town is holding a festival soon, and Xellos here would be charmed if he could have someone of your beauty be his escort there."

"Naturally he would!" Naga replied. "But perhaps a mere town festival-"

"Several wineries will be displaying their wares." Zelas added.

"It will be my pleasure to be your escort, Lord Xellos." Naga said.

* * *

The weather was a little hotter than ideal for an outdoor festival, which made Filia's mood less than cheerful. She was thirsty, but none of the booths were serving tea, since the day was clearly too warm for a hot beverage. Worse, several booths were doing good business in ale and wine, which Filia viewed with distaste, and a number of the human customers were showing the effects in rowdy behavior. Filia mentally cursed the agreement of protection that had brought her there as a representative of the dragons and an on-call healer. At least the town elders had taken her advice and banned any all-you-can-eat deals from the town taverns and inns. That should keep Lina Inverse and her destructive spells away.

"Good afternoon, Filia!" called a voice. A certain cheerfully snarky voice. The most hated voice on Red Orb. Why did it have to come from such a capable and good-looking - never mind. Filia banished the thought, drew in a calming breath, composed a decisive 'leave me alone' statement, and turned to face her nemesis.

And the statement was instantly discarded. Xellos was not alone. Specifically, he was holding the hand of a young woman. A woman who was as well-endowed as she was skimpily dressed.

"Xellos! Who is that half-naked-no, three-quarters naked-strumpet?" Filia demanded. Part of Filia's brain pointed out that if Xellos was with someone else, he would be leaving her alone. Said part was peremptorily told to shut up.

The woman let go of Xellos' hand, which was good, and put her hands on her hips and laughed. Which was really bad. "OH HO HO HO HO! Who is your acquaintance with the lack of fashion sense, Xellos sweetie?"

"Xellos _sweetie_-!" Filia repeated, then noticed that the woman's cheeks were flushed. If she wasn't drunk, she was moving in that direction.

"Naga, may I introduce Filia Ul Copt of the golden dragons." Xellos' show of politeness did nothing to calm Filia's temper. "Filia, this is Naga the White Serpent, connoisseur of wines and hot springs."

"A golden dragon, eh?" Naga showed no surprise. "You'd think someone that long-lived could appreciate a timeless outfit such as this."

"Timeless?" Filia exclaimed. "It looks like most of it has shredded off!"

"It is in perfect condition, unlike your rather dowdy ensemble." Naga pointed to a stain on the side of Filia's dress. "I take it you couldn't hold your wine?"

Actually, the stain was the fault of a drunkard with a peculiar reaction to a Recovery spell. _Calm down, Filia,_ the dragoness told herself. _No good purpose will be served by throwing a Lina-Inverse-style tantrum._

"But I suppose it's best to cover yourself when you have so little to show." Naga added.

Then again, Lina occasionally had good ideas.

* * *

**This notebook belongs to:**

Xellos Metallium

**If found, please return to :**

Beastmaster Fortress

Wolf Pack Island

(if you don't, you'll be sorry)

Preliminary notes on the excursion with Naga the Serpent:

Encasing a mace in a large block of ice renders it useless. (Must remember that tactic.)

A transformation into Golden Dragon form makes more humans run for cover than watch.

Golems made of quartz-bearing rock reflect laser breath fairly well.

Same notation for blocks of ice with smooth faces.

Filia's vocabulary of obscenities is limited, but her vocabulary of blasphemies is remarkable. (possibly because she's an ex-priestess?)

The wind from dragon wings puts out small fires, but accelerates larger ones.

Fire brigades are much less effective when they have to put their hands over their ears.

I don't know what came over me – I just rescued humans from a burning building.

Strike previous note: the negative emotions of live citizens watching half the town in flames are delightful.

Naga is an amazingly fast runner when the local constabulary finally arrives.

* * *

Zelas had to admit that the next day was a considerable improvement. Of course, it involved more work than she would have chosen, but it certainly had its compensations.

"You were forbidden from sending your minions to attack this town!" This time Earthlord Rangort dispensed with all greetings. "And yet I see beastmen everywhere!"

"Calm down, Rangort." Zelas said. "They're here to help with the reconstruction. Haven't you seen them working?"

"Reconstruction?" It was clear that Rangort would not immediately follow Zelas' advice to calm down. "I don't believe it! Wait until I talk to the mayor!"

"You already are." Zelas grinned. The humans around her nodded in resignation.

"What!"

"That's the disadvantage of having a town unconditionally surrender to you. You have to take responsibility for ruling it." Privately Zelas hadn't expected the town elders to react that way when she showed them the other nine clones, but it was too late now. Besides, the looks on their faces had been priceless.

"And don't tell me that odd-looking thing on your head is some sort of crown!" Rangort continued.

"I believe I'll call it a 'hard hat'." Zelas said. "Not stylish, I grant you, but useful against falling bricks."

"Bricks! What about volcanoes?" Rangort returned. "And why is there one forming just beyond the town limits?"

"It's just a small one, and I have it well under control." Zelas replied. "After all, you can't have a hot springs without volcanic activity."

" . . . Hot springs?" Now Rangort was entirely confused.

"We're changing the town to a tourist resort, since there won't be hunting any more." Zelas explained. "And Arleta will make an excellent towel maid, won't you, sweetie?"

"Yes, Lady Zelas." Arleta sighed.

Rangort tried to get back on track. "I still have a strong feeling you're responsible for the destruction here."

"Neither myself nor any of my servants attacked this place," Zelas said truthfully. "In fact, more than half of the damage was caused by a dragon."

"Impossible! Who?"

"You knew her as a priestess of the Fire Dragon King." Zelas answered. "Happily, she was arrested, and as the new mayor, I have decreed her punishment."

* * *

When you're a former dragon priestess that a certain Mazoku priest has taken an interest in, you're liable to have more than an occasional bad day. But this was ridiculous.

"Please, Xellos," Filia tried to wrap herself in the cape, and nearly stuck herself with the spiked shoulder-pads. "Couldn't my punishment be a month in a dungeon on bread and water instead?"

"Not nearly as much fun." Xellos looked at her as if she had suggested staying home from the party of the year. Which wasn't too far off the mark. "Besides, Naga's outfit is a practical style for you."

"Practical?" Filia nearly screamed. "It's got no protection or warmth!"

"Not so!" Xellos waved his finger in his classic annoying manner. "The boots and the gloves at least keep your toes and fingers warm."

"What about-" Filia stopped for a moment to rephrase, "-the parts in the middle?"

"I was getting to those." Xellos smirked. "The thong gives room for your tail to come out. Which it is doing at present."

"Oops!" Filia's cheeks flushed pink. She concentrated, and the tail went back into her human body.

"Ready now?" Xellos took her hand. "We don't want to be late for the costume ball in New Sairaag."

"Xellos." Filia managed to look at him. "Why are you doing this?"

"I want to show you off, of course." For once, Xellos was not smirking or waving his finger. "As soon as I saw Naga, I knew you would look even better in the outfit. And you do."

". . . Really?"

And, strangely enough, the rest of the day wasn't so bad.

T h e E n d

Author's note: Yes, Filia needed some padding to wear the outfit.


End file.
